Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Keep your daughter off The Bachelor

Chris Rock has a hilarious stand up bit he does about keeping his daughters "off the pole".  I saw this routine live  at Veteran's Memorial when I was pregnant with my second child.  My husband got the tickets for us for our anniversary because he said that I hadn't laughed in a really long time.

I don't know about YOU,  female audience, but I am not a good-humored pregnant person. This was especially true during my second pregnancy where I remained in a constant state of wanting to rip everyone's eyeballs out of their sockets.

Recently, the girls were asking me what I craved when I was pregnant with each of them.   I was obsessed with watermelon during my first pregnancy.  I would eat it every single day and night and also in bed, which my husband LOVED.  When I became pregnant the second time, I went to get my old maternity clothes out and they all had watermelon stains down the front of them - the most saturated being my pajamas, natch.

ANYWAY, we were all laughing and recalling how I used to make them go to Steak 'n' Shake all the time when I was pregnant with my last child because they would be "bitching and moaning" about having had Steak 'n' Shake the previous night and I would bribe them with promises to the Dollar Aisle at Target and then never follow through.  Mother of the Year, I got it locked down again this year.  So my middle child, who is very sensitive, was pulling on my arm and begging me to tell her what I craved when I was pregnant with HER.  I had to make something up on the spot, because the true answer was bourbon.

Rock's show was at Veteran's Memorial.  If you haven't been there, it is really old and the seats are all connected so if someone's movements are exaggerated, (say like the person next to me who leaned forward and backward as she clapped her hands like she was rowing down the Scioto River) then the entire row of seats would do a sort of wave and you would be propelled backward and forward along with her.  I was HUGE pregnant, craving bourbon, and irritable from the continuous "wave" that I was being forced to do during  the first half of Rock's performance.  But then he started talking about his main goal as a parent was to keep his two daughters off the pole and I was enthralled.

His point was that many fathers set goals for their daughters like graduating college, marrying well, avoiding drugs and teen pregnancy - whatever, but what he decided early on was that he did not want two closets full of clear heels and two girls who are "working their way through college."  It was hilarious and poignant, at the same time.  I was high-fiving the rower next to me and pumping my fat fist in the air. 

Well, I happen to have rather unconventional goals for my daughters, as well.  One of my main objectives is to keep them off of The Bachelor.  That show is the end of the civilization as we know it.  As I mentioned earlier, my middle daughter is the most emotional of the bunch.  I have NEVER seen anyone with emotions so close to the surface.  They are just so accessible.  My intention is for her to just skip college and I will send her straight to Hollywood where she will undoubtedly land a prime spot on a soap opera.  This is the preferred scenario.

A more likely one might be that she will land, instead, a plum spot on The Bachelor. My husband and I have envisioned her being "let go" during a rose ceremony the first night and her balling outside by the fountain because she "felt a real connection" with the bachelor and could "actually see a future" with him for they had that intense one on one where she recited that poem she had written for him, even though she didn't know who he was yet.  The poem was called "Prospective Husband" and it felt so right when she sat on his lap and read it to him.

That is the best case scenario.  Worst case - she makes it to the hometown dates.  How painful it would be to watch your desperate shell of a daughter hold hands with a man she just met on a game show in your living room after he had just consummated his other relationship in Pittsburgh the night before.  I love it when the parents won't be any part of the hometown date and she has to take The Bachelor to her cousin's house or something.  I always think to myself, "Way to go, parents."  I mean, even if she does end up marrying the poor sap, it is still humiliating all the way around.  I don't care how cute you think the Ali's shoes are, something is wrong with her if she is willing to go on that show. 

There is just something wholly unnatural about broadcasting your escapades while you are on vacation.  I mean, I wouldn't want my dad to see what I do on vacation now - let alone when I am 25 and on a psuedo honeymoon.  (Don't worry, Dad, I'm just freestylin', here, pandering to the audience, if you will.  I am always just like I am when we go to Disney World.)

My friend, "Alissa" and I were in Chicago once when she was sure that she recognized the bartender.   "It is not like I know him in real life," she explained, "It's like I know him from T.V."  After a little probing, we got him to admit that he was a contestant on Big Brother.  He was on the first season and was cast as "the villain".

"Make no mistake," he said to us as he lined up six shotglasses for the booth full of cougars in the corner, "There is nothing REAL about reality television."  With the exception of The Amazing Race and the first few seasons of survivor, all of them are scripted and often actors are recruited to "keep things interesting".

MY favorite reality show is Flipping Out.  It is a reality show about a guy, Jeff Lewis, on Bravo.  He is an accomplished designer who used to flip houses for a profit, but in the economic downturn, began taking on clients and doing renovations.  He is gay.  He is talented.  He is damaged.  And he is hilarious!  If you haven't yet seen it, check it out.

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