Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Proposition

Just think of the EXPOSURE, douchebags!
Some of you have been waiting for this opportunity all your lives!

So I've been mulling around like two things lately, concerning this blog.  One, is to invite guest bloggers because I have been trying to get my writing going again, but I committed to a couple of things that are out of my wheelhouse, like Mystery Reader and lunchroom monitor, and like I don't have TIIIIIIIMMMMMEEE for this horseshit.

My second thing I have been contemplating is that it is almost my friend, Kim's "anniversary" of  her surgery (what a fucking misuse of THAT word, right?)' and I want to do something momentous and fun for it, that takes her (and her family's) mind off it all.

For those who don't know what I am talking about, you will have to look up the post on my blog. Providing a link would simply be too taxing.

Of course, Cindy is in the middle.

For those of you who DO know what I am talking about, then, I've been thinking about raising money for the Pancreatic Cancer Foundation (read: Paul and Kim going out to a nice dinner) and well, I just LOOOOVEEE a good ROAST, so my proposition is this....

I could do an online auction of sorts where people PAY to roast me each week and then we give, let's say HALF of it to Kim and Paul, a quarter to me and a quarter to the Pancreatic Research Foundation.

Juuuuussssttt fucking with you (but seriously inbox me if you think this is a good idea).

I could choose say, 10 people, one each week (let's face it yo'  there are a PLETHORA of people out there that would like to tear me apart, even though they are super special to me), post the blog to the individual's page and whoever gets the most shares or likes has to donate a specific amount.

How's THAT for a clustergram? You want to participate, and you want to knock it out if the park, but if you do, then you have to DIG DEEP and donate to something that you are SURE will enable me to skip the country, never to be heard from again.  Hilarious.  Who's IN, ballers?

Another avenue is INVITE 5 - 10 people, (I'm getting skittish now and thinking of my ego) people to roast me in my own blog - down in my basement, AAALLLLL authentic, like -  glass of wine, fire  even though it's Spring, and a blanket, windows open, candles lit, music playing with Southern Charm on mute, all while intermittently folding laundry - MINE, I hope.

It would be EXACTLY like those "Mom's Night Out" packages you force your husband to bid on at the PreSchool silent auction, only you don't have to invite anyone, you can wear sweatpants and neglect your hygiene for another day, and you have a free Uber home.

I don't drive anyone but my kids around, as a rule.

You could write a blog and then we'll do this grassroots thing where I have a PayPal account and if you like it, you donate ONE DOLLAR to the PayPal account and if you SHARE it, then you have to donate FIVE DOLLARS.  (I'm gonna be RICH, RICHEY  RICH, y'all!)

It's the bucket challenge, HONOR SYSTEM thing.  I DO NOT want you to donate more.  SURE the transaction probably costs more than the donation, but who the HELL cares? You bitches spend a lot more on a Whole Foods pear.

A third option is for me to get a sponsor who will donate a dollar for every LIKE or whatever.  Unfortunately, CompetitorSwim, Inc. is out of the running.  You don't piss where you eat, folks.

ORRRR, you could each get your OWN sponsor and then the number of likes determines how much they pay.

Can you imagine the sponsors here?  Like strip clubs and auto body shops.  I am imagining each guest blogger's sponsor now and it is not pretty folks.  The company I keep is shady, at best.

This is starting to sound as complicated as the Allergy Walk.  When I first saw the signs, I thought, why don't they just take Zytrec, like my kids do? But then I was told it was more about food allergies, which is a whole different deal and some of my friend's kids have them, so I had better tread lightly. I never got to see them walk, but I am sure the snacks at the end were AWESOME.

Guidance moment:  Zyrtec at night and Nasonex in the morning is the BEST recipe for seasonal allergies. I used to call on ENT's when I was a Pharmaceutical Hooker and they all said 10 years ago that this is the only combo that WERKS.  Both products have been around forever and the Zyrtec tends to make your little ones sleepy.  So, give it at night, if you are so inclined.  Nobody is going to pass judgement on you.  It's indicated on the label.

Anyway, I'm just throwing out ideas, looking for advice (participation AANNNDD approval, I guess) on how to structure this whole deal.


Here is what is to remain constant, though, guest bloggers that are from different parts of my life that I CHOOSE and some way for others, other than myself, to benefit.

I would also like to showcase how funny my friends and family are and GIVE THEM an opportunity to let their light shine, because I BELIEVE they are all underestimating themselves in terms of the literary talent they all share.  If I were a truly BENEVOLENT person, I would let them just tell a story, but if I have not reiterated enough, THIS SHIT IS ALL ABOUT ME, YO'.

The one thread that all of my close friends and family have is that they all give me shit.  They KNOW me.  They are incredible, caring, beautiful human beings, but they will call you out on your bullshit without blinking an eye.  PREACH!

I've written blogs about you guys and then you start getting texts and you have all these social repercussions, and I am sure it is all very frightening to click on my link when your name is unsuspectingly in the title.  But, whatevs, I made you all immortal sooooo... you're welcome.

Now let's turn the tables.  Give everyone your most obnoxious, humiliating stories and quotes you've endured in my presence, and we'll do something good with it, and I can take a FUCKING break, y'all, while simultaneously revitalizing this blog.

I need inspiration and a good laugh, and a reason to put a smile on Kim and Paul's face.  Not that they don't already, just maybe, a WIDER one.

Give me your thoughts in the comments of this blog for a change.  I am doing the 5th grade video and I simply cannot handle jockeying FB right now.

Let's get this party started.  Are you with me?
I cut my hair off, peeps.  Changed my emoji, FIRST THING!

1 comment:

  1. omg. I don't even know what to say. you one crazy beotch! :)