Tuesday, March 6, 2012

My latest, favorite time sucks

This is what Mere Mere did when I told her that Mills vomited all over her bed not THIRTY seconds after she had finished babysitting.

Okay, on the advice of a "blogger friend" - we'll just call her Wendy Hondroulis, because that is her name and her very successful blog, (wenderly.com) I recently got into Twitter.  I have had the "handle" ggcounselor for a long time, when I first set up my blog over a year ago, but I have yet to tweet anything other than my blog out.  I have 6 followers.

"Wendy" encouraged me to use Twitter to gain more followers for my blog and explained that it was "a lot quicker and more fun" than Facebook.  I immediately agree.  I am not sure I am comfortable with tweeting yet, but I do enjoy following celebrities and comedians.

I have so many tangents I want to go on after that last paragraph, I need to organize them, before I forget them.  Okay, here goes:

1. Patton Oswalt
2. People who put random stuff on twitter to get celebrities to retweet them
3. Texts from last night
4. My Dog's new Facebook account
5. My fear that my children will not develop the lost art of "having good bullshit". 

1.  Patton Oswalt.  If you are not familiar with him, he usually plays the funny, short, fat "sidekick" guy to big stars. On one of my favorite series on Showtime, United States of Tara, he is the best friend to John Corbett (see post: http://gratuitousguidance.blogspot.com/2011/05/united-states-of-tara-and-celebrity.html ) and Baby Daddy to Tara's sister, who is equally hilarious.  He is also the "crippled" counterpart of Charlize Theron in Young Adult.  Sorry, side note, again, that movie haunts me to this day.  I will never look at a two liter of Diet Coke the same way, again.  She is a bad ass, though.  Totally deserved the Globe nod.  Oswalt is really good in it, too.  Anyway, he has this Comedy Special I came across on Showtime and it is one of the funniest standup routines I have ever seen.  He makes a lot of random literary references, coupled with just good ol' fashioned raunchy humor.  Now, THAT is something that I can really get behind.  I am following him on Twitter.  He's taking a break right now, but look him up.  He's hilarious and highly intelligent.

2. My Pathetic Twitter Feed. On the subject of Twitter, and I am sure this is OLD NEWS to most of you, but I find it entirely fascinating that people want celebrities to retweet them and notice them.  I just don't get it.  What is the value in that?  On Alec Baldwin's twitter feed (such an obvious follow, I know) this lady said that she would not feed her baby until Alec acknowledged her.  His "acknowledgement" was "Fuck. Chill."  The amount of power these celebrities have is daunting.  Then, someone tweeted that they "would not feed their cat until he retweeted them."  "That is funny."  Alec responded.  There is something very dangerous about Twitter, other than the fact that it keeps me from doing my laundry.  I think the argument that it connects people is a much weaker one than the argument that people are obsessed with being famous and recognized for their insignificance.

Hey, I write a blog.  I know of what I speak.  It is no accident that their is a "Stats" page on Blogger, complete with a breakout of readership per day, per blog in each country around the world.  That USED to be a huge time suck for me as I imagined Brits in the UK, laughing haughtily at my American humor, but now I think it's all bullshit.  Readers in Bangladesh, my ass.  Comment on my blog, "farners," and I'll BELIEVE.

Which leads me to another tangent, Mills made me Follow Justin Beiber on Twitter because supposedly he announced his Tour schedule today, but he didn't.  I guess (yes, I've watched his Never Say Never movie a few times) he is the first artist to really embrace social media, especially Twitter, as a major source of public relations.  I thought Mills had the fever.  Jesus didn't have as many followers as he has.  If his new song "Boyfriend" that drops in 20 days (and, consequently,  has incited a near frenzy on his Twitter feed) were the Old Testament and Beiber were Jesus, there would be World Peace right now. 

There I go digressing again.  Who cares?  Do you, Indonesia?  I didn't think so.

3.Texts From Last Night.  (http://textsfromlastnight.com/)This is precisely the reason I haven't changed Hallie's sheets since having the Novovirus this weekend.  She didn't vomit on them, but still.  If you haven't gone on this site.  You just HAVE to.  Okay, it is quite possibly one of my favorite things to do when I am having a bad day.  The cynic in me wonders is they are manufactured sometimes, though.  Look up your area code, (Ohh, sorry, you can't Iran?  That's okay.  I'm pretty sure they wouldn't use your texts anyway.  Example:  "Holy Allah! Explosive diarrhea this morn! I don't know if it's the shrapnel in my ass acting up or all those kebaabs!"  See.  Not funny.

Anyway, I am not even going to ruin it by giving you teasers.  Just trust me.  I introduced you beeeaaches to Pinterest, didn't I? ( See blog: http://gratuitousguidance.blogspot.com/2011/11/pinterested-much.html ) Oh, and my favorite thing about Texts from last night is the fact that you can order T-shirts.  It gives new meaning to that stupid retort, "Been there.  Done that. Bought the T-Shirt."  Brilliance.  Sheer brilliance.  Footnote:  For some reason, I like that it is anonymous, too.  I assume this is to encourage people to be forthcoming, and eliminate the popularity contest that Twitter seems to foster.

4. Scarlett's Facebook Profile. As I mentioned, all three of my kids had the Novovirus (or exaggerated, elongated stomach flu) this past, fine birthday weekend, and so on Sunday, exhausted from having too much red wine in too short a time period,(My ever devoted, Mere Mere - see post and pic above (http://gratuitousguidance.blogspot.com/2011/08/you-cant-put-pricetag-on-sanity.html was kind enough to brave the concurrent Underwood stomach flu, to let me escape for a few hours to celebrate my birthday) and then staying up several hours past my regular bedtime to try and salvage some of Mills' bedding that her virus relieved itself on, the kids and I decided to create a Facebook profile for our dog, Scarlett (aka Fuckstick, see post: http://gratuitousguidance.blogspot.com/2011/11/my-dog-scarlett-fckstick.html .)  The reason for this nonsense is because we feel that what Scarlett does, and we imagine would say is relevant.  Friend her.  She's hilarious. 

5. The worry over my childrens' bullshit reservoir.  Finally, because of Twitter and Facebook and all of these other time sucks that I have just endorsed and am active in, I am increasingly worried about my children being unable to hold a normal conversation without checking Facebook on their phone (my kids are a little young for this, but all my friends and my husband do it like crazy) or answering a text or whatever.  The art of conversation is an important part of life.  Bullshitting is the ultimate Southern past time.  It is an actual class you take - along with "Casseroles 101" and "Elongating Vowels 220".

Listen, I am fully aware of what a hypocrite I am being right now.  My kids have an Ipad and they have discovered how to text and call their friends for free.  It is constant interaction.  Hallie and her friends have a web page where they post ideas and stories.  On the face, this all seems innocent, and it IS right now, but it makes me uneasy at times because I feel like it is opening Pandora's box in some ways.  Technology is a great thing.  I embrace it, for the most part, but I so enjoy real life more.  I guess it is like any type of progress.  There are growing pains.  The yin and the yang of progress is such that you lose something and you gain another.  For instance, technology is convenient, but it is making interpersonal interaction a series of typing symbols and autocorrections.

I guess I am just saying that I miss just leaving the house and doing something and then checking my machine when I got home.  It was something to look forward to, really - both parts.  I am definitely guilty of forgetting my phone and checking out from time to time because I need to take a break from being constantly available.  Don't get me wrong, it can be terribly inconvenient when you need to call home or ask someone something on the fly, but I always survive and I regain a little piece of myself in the process.

I guess after all of these recommendations about ways you can fill your time using technology, the advice I want you to follow the most is to check out from time to time.  Don't be the guy on the bike talking on his Bluetooth.  It's just too depressing.  No one is that busy, or that interesting for that matter.

Now, go comment on my blog, while I track you on my Stats!

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