Thursday, November 17, 2011

My dog, Scarlett, the F*ckstick

The girls take the best pictures of Fuckstick.

Lately, I have been using the word "Fuckstick," to describe various people that get on my nerves.  Mostly, I call my dog, Scarlett, Fuckstick, because she is so annoying.  I mean, I love her and all, but I am totally schizo on her ass, all the time.  One minute I am loving her and petting her, mostly at night and in the morning, but the majority of the time, I just yell at her and move her out of the way.

Somehow, Fuckstick has picked up on the notion that everyone else in the family has adopted, that if you bug me enough, you will get what you want from me.  Brad is the very instigator of this idea, natch.

Each night, Fuckstick sleeps with either Hallie or Mills, and EVERY night I have to have some sort of half-hearted conversation with the one who's night is not TONIGHT.  I think it's cute that Fuckstick takes up their whole pillow before they are able to get in bed.  She literally lays in bed with her head on the pillow like a people. (That is how we say it in my house, in HER voice, as in "I lika sit in the front seat like a people.")  She is so sweet at night and she can barely keep her double eyelids open. She is a Lab, and they have "double eyelids" to shield her eyes, when she is swimming, did you know that?
(Fun Fuckstick Facts, y'all.)

In the morning, she makes us all laugh, because her "reservoir" is full, again, and she is hellbent on destroying my day.  It's funny, at first, because Fuckstick will keep licking you until she gets her breakfast.  She even licks your pant legs.  It's odd and humorous at first, but then it just starts to annoy you.

Fuckstick uses licking as a form of aggression.  I have never seen anything like it.  If my daughter, Eva, is pulling her tail, she will lick Eva's teeth and tongue, and whole face until she falls backwards and does a back bend, and then she just stands over her, as if she is rabid, and continues to slather her with her newly acquired Butt mouth, until you have to turn away.  I mean, I am no Joe Pa, but I do ignore a lot of things that are unsanitary.

I love how she goes back for a last few licks.  Hilarious.

I guess, as a Mother, it should be MY responsibility to stop Fuckstick, but I have all but given up, and it allows me time before Eva starts bugging me about her breakfast.

Anyway, Fuckstick, usually eats her breakfast, outside by the garage, which I immediately shut once the kids walk to school, and she proceeds to terrorize every single person who dares to walk down our street.  You see, we are on the corner, so she sits out at the far edge of our yard so that she may have a full view of either street that is unfortunate enough to comprise our intersection.

She just sits there, like a Jeanie bottle, surveying the streets for unsuspecting dog walkers.  Most people know her by name.  I find it fascinating that children and adults, alike, will stop and kick the ball with Scarlett and call her by name, when I have never met them in my life.

I am painting a positive picture of Fuckstick, but now let me give you a glimpse into her dark side.  Sometimes, just for fun, if I let her out the garage/kitchen door, she will tearass across the yard, like Old Yeller at the end, bucking and attack barking, with her invisible fence collar swinging from side to side (it is supposed to be tight), and two tufts of hair will emerge along the spine of her back, and she will literally scare the shit out of some unknowing passerby, just for kicks.

One day, I noticed she had a young boy, who was innocently walking to school with his hoodie on, pinned up against my neighbor's bushes, afraid to move, across the street.  Even though they had a road between them,the boy was positively terrified.  Fuckstick was carrying on like she had discovered the Unibomber, and I literally thought he had peed his pants.

Naturally, I told him to put his hood down, so she would back off, but I ended up escorting him to the next block, after cajoling Fuckfstick inside, he was so shaken.  I guess Holmes will be taking another path to school after that episode. 

She did the same thing one afternoon to a new mother and her pram. I figured she deserved it for the shear reason that she even had a pram.  We do not live in pre-Civil war England, and prams last about two, three months tops.  To be honest, I am just a hater because I always had incredibly lame strollers that no one in their right mind would want to walk their babies in.

Actually, I have often fantasized, when I see some new suburban mom with her pram, of buying an antique pram, in which I would place some random piece of meat or a zuchini or something, dressed up in American Girl clothing with a face that I Magic Markered on it, only to have unsuspecting passersby, lean in, while I am taking a walk, and see their expressions on their faces when they discovered that I was pushing around a fully dressed legume.

This all stems from my fascination with street folk in large cities that do random things like that, that one would EXPECT, only I would be dressed to the nines, while I push my vegetable baby throughout the neighborhood.  I see street people as inspired, really, rather than damaged and mentally ill.  It is a fine line, mi amigos, a fine line, indeed.

I think applying "street people principles" to everyday suburban life makes for good entertainment.  Imagine the fun you could have on recycling day, when they find you curled up in a cardboard box along side your bin of bottles?  I could go on forever, here.

ANYWAY, this time,  Fuckstick broke through her invisible fence, only to stick her head in the stroller and slather the infant with sloppy kisses.  I seriously thought I was going to have a lawsuit over that one.  Luckily, she was traveling with a friend who was walking her dog, and her friend was able to calm the new Mom down, because she had not had children yet, so her dog was really important to her, so I assume, she saw Fuckstick as a sympathetic figure.

Here is a video of Fuckstick being told to get off of our bed.  Just to flip us the middle pad, she drags her back feet, which inevitably causes her schwina to rub across my (in this case) fresh bedding.  I have never seen a dog do this in my entire life, and I have to conclude that this is Fuckstick specific.  Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.

The first time she did this in front of Brad, he goes, "Oh my Gawd, did she just wipe her..." he stops himself, because some of the girls were in the room, and continues, "privates on our bed?"

The girls were roaring with laughter and I go, "Yea.  She likes to do it on your side the most."

Here's another one - with the bed MADE.

Yes, I actually MADE the bed, so that I could make a video of my dog wiping her schwina on our quilt.  What is wrong with that?  A lot of things.  Too many to count.  I think the making of the bed is the worst of them.

She only does this on our bed, and the only piece of furniture in the house that was made this decade, our couch in the basement.  (That's right, beeeattchhes, I'm all about the throw pillow and the paint colors.  Surprising?  I didn't think so.)  I would like to think that it is because they are both low to the ground, but who am I kidding.  This is Fuckstick we're dealing with here. 

Tonight, though, my daughter Mills said she was afraid that her friends would make fun of her, if she slept with Scarlett.  I immediately became defensive and asked her why she thought anyone would even THINK to make fun of her for sleeping with her dog.

Mills replied, "Because they might think that it is dirty."

My mind immediately went to the probability equation that one of her friends would know the ratio of dirt between our sheets and the dog, and then my second feeling was one of extreme protectiveness for Fuckstick.

That is how I know I deeply love her, and secretly think that the things that she does are amusing.

I retorted with, "Be your own person, Mills.  If sleeping with your filthy dog makes you happy, then your should shout it to the World."

Do you think she bought it?  She seemed to.

love it.


  1. You had me at "Fuckstick"!

    That may be the single most disturbing video I've seen on the internet. Not that I've seen disturbing videos online or anything...

  2. Speechless. I don't even know where to start, but I would have to stop laughing and gasping first. And for the record, Scarlett came tearing out of the darkness one night about a month ago when Jackson and I were walking Sadie. BEST SCARE EVER. We all had to change our pants when we got home.

  3. I am a friend of Christina's and love this blog. I have the exact same dog (male version) and often refer to him with a word that starts with fuck. We should meet. Preferably not at a dog park because I don't really like dogs, especially my own.