Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Whole Foods, Tax Write Offs and Smart Cars

My view of The Whole Foods that day. DAMMMNNN.  My car is FILTHY!  Maybe I'll saunter on down to the Moo Moo Car Wash, now that my belly is full.

OKAY, sometimes I just become OVER a thing that has become a habit in my life, and I just need to take a BREAK, people.

The Whole Foods, that is a hop, skip and a jump from my house, is ONE of those habit-forming THINGS that has been gettin' on my LAST nerve.

Now, before I begin, there is an EXCELLENT blog on this topic that is ground-breaking, and is literally the Madonna to my Miley Cyrus.  Ruuuhhhspect!  It's called "Surviving Whole Foods" at

I just feel that the subject hasn't been exhausted, yet, and that there is a hole that I need to fill because NO ONE ELSE is speaking up, and I'm starting to suspect that Oprah owns The Whole Foods.

But, I digress.  I didn't mean to jump to conclusions, I am still in the "making observations" stage, soooo let's get started.

Just to clarify, I wrote this about a month ago, in the parking lot of The Whole Foods on my phone.  I shit you not. It is as follows:

So, I have a major LOVE/HATE relationship with Whole Foods, and as of late, I've decided it's UNHEALTHY for me.

For a while there, I was even walking through CONSTRUCTION with my family to partake of The Whole Foods Experience, if you will.

Here is my farm raised, grain fed BEEF, y'all.

No.  I do NOT want to round up my purchase to donate to a fund to put gardens in schools. So there.  First of all, my purchase ended in .19, and secondly, because I come here like a hundred times a week to purchase your overpriced, albeit yummy organic inventory. Now that ADDS UP, and I cannot write it off, and also because when pressed, you cannot even tell me the name of the organization that is handling said garden.

Oh I know, call on the organization called Supplemental Income Alliance?  How about The Fat Cat Executives of Whole Foods Ponzi Initiative? Or my personal fav, Rent Overdue 'Cause I Was Cut Off By My Parents Coalition? It goes without saying that it is impossible to claim a donation to something that is less than a dollar, twice a day, 7 days a week. Well played, Midwest Faux Hippie Chick.

And what's with that, too?  Where did all the authentic hippies in Whole Foods go?  When I lived in Boulder after college, the "health food" stores were always run by REAL hippies that like saw Vietnam.  It may have been from their playpen, in their diapers, like on T.V., but STILL.  They were high and they were sweet and they smelled bad, and they were all "No worries," because they genuinely didn't HAVE any, (because compared to Vietnam, forgetting your hemp bag really isn't a big deal) and I took great comfort in that.

Now the "health food" grocery store employees are just AWARE.  Socially, nutritionally, and globally.  And they smell like natural deodorant and coriander.  They are scrubbed clean, with something abrasive.  And they are WORRIED, people, worried to death. What have they lived through?  The Tech bubble bursting? I just don't get it.

ANYWAY, I just want to purchase my ridiculously expensive, just prepared 5 seconds ago sushi, and devour it in my SUV with the air on and the windows rolled down, sans chopsticks, while intermittently guzzling my equally indulgent Joe's Peach Tea that I've developed an addiction to, just enough to satisfy me to the point that I can move on to my next destination that is the Used Instrument Shop to purchase the wind instrument that my child will never master. Is that so much to ask?

So, lady at the register, you can take your shame based expression featuring those downcast eyes and  pursed lips elsewhere, because I am not pickin' up what you're puttin' down, Mi Lady.

And yes, I would like a BAG with that, even though I could comfortably juggle my loot leaving one arm free, and if it could be made out of baby seal skins sewn together by the tiny nimble hands of homeless six-year-olds, that would be great.  Oh, but NOT the one made by the homeless FEMALE six-year-olds, because that would be SEXIST.
I mean, SERIOUSLY???  You gonna show up at Da Club in that, Holmes?  Then you betta park it at the bike rack, Son.

Ok, and finally, I refuse to leave this subject alone without examining the sociology of the SMART CAR owner profile in The Whole Foods parking lot.

Why can't you apply those same Mother Earth lovin' principles of human behavior you display INSIDE the Whole Foods as you eewwww and awe over the latest organic kale macaroons, to that person driving the smart car at 180 miles an hour through the parking lot?

EACH TIME I am exiting my parking spot, I literally have to INCH OUT for like 15 minutes to avoid hitting you in your ridiculously tiny vehicle.  LOOK, I am saving YOU here.  My 8-year old daughter, Eva, could put you in Intensive Care with her big wheel if she wanted to.  You do not have immortality or "Smart Car Super Powers" because you are reducing emissions and conserving fuel.

Bring it, Al Gore.

Let's just put it this way...if you have to get down on one knee or SQUAT, even, to enter your vehicle JUST to reduce your carbon footprint , then just save yourself the humiliation and go get yourself a bus pass.  You are impressing NO ONE by whizzing around in your Mountain Dew mobile. I mean, do they make any other colors besides green?  We get it!  Environment.  Green.  You do not have to hammer it home!

Ok.  I'll stop there.  I just got full.  Maybe next time I write a blog, I will eat first.  Hashtag low blood sugar rage.

Can you write off Service to the Community?  I need to Google that.

My advice today is obvious and two fold.  Donate to organizations that you get a receipt for, except Salvation Army and street musicians, and don't buy a Smart Car.  LEASE one for Pete's sake. Oh, and double up on that insurance, while your at it.  Collision isn't going to pay your hospital bills.

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