Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Royal Wedding

I was always interested in Lady Di, and I even managed to see her exhibit at the Met, but I mostly just felt sorry for her.  I loved the footage of her children running into her arms and she single-handedly made it okay for people to hold babies with AIDS.  She was groundbreaking and tragic, at the same time.  Quite a mix.

Brad and I were on vacation with some friends at their condo in South Carolina, when Diana was killed in a car accident.  We were all riveted, sitting around the television, not crying, but stunned, and all of the sudden out of nowhere, Brad's friend drops to the ground and says, "You guys mind if I work out?"

He was serious, and to my amazement he began doing push ups right in the middle of the family room next to the coffee table, at one point even clapping his hands in between.  We were at their condo and I was a lot younger, so I just sat there shifting my eyes back and forth between the television and him bobbing up and down, counting, while I tried not to laugh.  I finally stole a glance at his wife, and this I remember, she took a long drink of her fruity drink and rolled her eyes.  I guess this was a regular thing.

I mean, it was not a studio.  It was a three bedroom condo so there was room to "work out" in a lot of places, especially outside.  Or hey, how 'bout the workout room at the end of the complex?  They have t.v.'s.  Anyway, when I am reminded of Diana's death, like the wedding yesterday, I immediately go to that memory and it has become a regular party trick of mine.

"You guys mind if I work out?" I will say as I turn my back to the bar, and do tricep push ups.  "No, go ahead, continue talking," I will say as I switch up my routine.  Try it.  It is a real crowd pleaser.

Okay.  Back to the Wedding.  Let's break it down into the following categories:  The dress, the hats, Beatrice and Eugenie, David Beckham, Prince Harry, and finally, Brides and their fathers.

OK, I loved the dress. There was much speculation about if she would wear a tiara or not.  I loved the makeup and the hair and the tiara and the dress and I thought she achieved the perfect balance between modern and retro.  That being said, next to Catherine, Pippa was the best dressed person in the wedding party.  I taped it on several different stations to get many perspectives and tidbits of info from the commentators and someone said that in the UK that they call Pippa, The Most Eligible Middleton.  It is hard to pull off satin that is cut in a silhouette like that and she looked flawless.

I am from Kentucky and I love the pomp and circumstance of anything, especially any event that celebrates hats.  I hate the fact that Kate, or Catherine, brought into vogue the facinator and now people are taking it to that next level, where they are trading in chic for ridiculous.  Victoria Beckham walked the line with this.  I think she crossed it.  I realize that couture is not synonymous with realistic, but how in the hell do you eat your breakfast with that shit all in your field of view.  It is like the floaters in my eyes that float in the vitreous matter in my eyeballs, that make me crazy when I am tired or in the bright sun.  Why in the hell would you ever wear something that bounces around in front of you like that?  I am reminded of that fish in Nemo that chases around that lightening bug or whatever.  Bigger and more ridiculous is not high fashion, it is just something that you will cringe at twenty years from now, while your kids snicker beside you.  Ask my dad sometime about his baby blue leisure suit or my mom about her one-piece, black pantsuit that zipped up the front like a onesie, she wore to see Elvis in concert.  Oh, and it had a belt and was trimmed in yellow stitching.  Sooooo great.

Beatrice and Euguenia (pronounced U-geen-ya), OK EWWWW.  Let's review, ladies.  Your mother was just in a grainy video in which she chain-smoked, and drank two bottles of wine as she negotiated selling out her ex-husband, YOUR FATHER.  You are invited to one of the biggest social events in the United Kingdom's history.  Your mother is not, because all she does is try and outdo herself with humiliating situation after humiliating situation.  Now would be a good time to put on a shift dress with a nice jacket and cute heels - not a time to let your FREAK FLAG fly.  Listen, I have three girls and I have learned very early on, to pick my battles when it comes to dressing them. As long as it is clean, and not sexy, then you are good.  But on Easter and Christmas, you worship at the alter of Janie and Jack, sistas - because you live in MY house.

You just know that their Dad, Prince Edward,  came to pick them up  in his carriage, he was all like "Jesus Christ, you guys look like Anastasia and Drizella, goin' to the ball!  Can't you dumb it down a bit?"  

David Beckham is just hot, 'nuf said. 

Moving on.  The children were well behaved, especially Prince Harry.  He is so cute. He snuck a peak at Catherine as she walked down the aisle, and no doubt said something like, "Here comes the freedom drain," or something like that.  I loved that he rode with all of the kids in a carriage after the wedding.  His brother HAD to make that happen as payback for all those bald jokes he makes to the media.  He is very ornery and I respond to that.  He may be my favorite Royal.

Finally, I was very surprised to find myself crying as Catherine's father prepared to walk her down the aisle.  She took a deep breath as she took everything in and he looked as if all of the blood had suddenly drained out of his face to his heels.  That moment is very vivid to me, when I recall my own wedding.  I played softball growing up and my dad always coached me and we have always had a very easy, close relationship.  When we were standing at the end of the aisle, he sized it up and said, "That's not that bad.  We'll be done in about one minute.  Just remember to walk slow.  It's just like softball.  You just step up to the plate..."

"Dad, PLEASE!  No softball analogies.  I just need to focus."

"Allrrriiigggghht.  Alright.  Now, don't go getting upset.  It's okay.  I'll be right here."  At that moment I realized he was trying to calm himself, not me.  That is why I welled up, then, and when I watched the Royal Wedding.

That moment, as a woman, when your Dad walks you down the aisle is symbolic, and meaningful, and steeped in tradition.  Some people are into it, and some people are not.  I am.  For as liberal-minded as I can sometimes be, I am very tradition-oriented.  I don't really know what that says about me, but I guess it is just yet another of my "blog realizations".  Weeeeeee.

Listen, some haters say that it is frivolous and pointless to get all wrapped up in some celebrity wedding, when there are so many important things to be focusing on, especially when it is happening across the pond.  I totally disagree.  I equate getting excited about Kate and Wills' wedding, with the escape you experience when you go to see a matinee.  You want an escape from everything else, a bit of fantasy, and that is healthy.  You need to take a break and indulge your inner prince or princess once in a while.  That is my recommendation to you this weekend.  Put on a tiara or offer your wife your hand as she steps out of your SUV.  Now, do you guys mind if I workout here?

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