Friday, October 25, 2013

Ray Donovan: A Healthy Fantasy or no?

Purrrrr. And no one will, Ray.  No one wiiillllll.

Okay, I just LOVES me some Ray Donovan.  He just TOTALLY does it for me.  I have been mulling around a blog post in my mind about the show since its inception on Showtime a couple of months ago, and I kept trying to think of an angle other than elaborating on the character arcs in the show, or examining plot twists and their underlying meaning, and then today, while eating at Piada by myself (don't feel bad for me, I LOVE being alone, especially when B works from home-another post I intend to write entitled "Why I hate it so much when Brad works from home: The anthology") it CAME to me.  Johnna, just write about how HOT he is and how you fantasize about him all the time when you are driving your kids around and the rest will fall into place...and it did.  Well, every artist has his process, I guess.

Soooo, if you are not familiar, Liev Schrieber plays Ray Donovan, who is basically a kind of "closer" or "security firm" of sorts for this attorney and this other guy, who I have determined is really wealthy, but they haven't really given you a background on him.  Ray is a bad ass mofo, from "the neighborhood" in Boston, who has "relocated" to L.A.  The clients are usually Hollywood types that get themselves into some sort of trouble (read: dead hookers and/or sex with trannies) and then Ray Donovan has to clean up their messes.

Okay, that's enough.  Let's get back to how hot he is.  Basically, I feel about Ray Donovan, they way that my twelve-year-old daughter feels about Harry Stiles.
I swear.  Sometimes this blog unexpectedly makes me laugh so hard.

 I would hang a poster of him on the inside of my closet and have him be the last thing I look at before I close my eyes each night, if it weren't so sophomoric.  Yet ANOTHER of society's standards that I have to abide by.  Ugh!
This is the poster I want.  "Good night, Johnna. Sweet dreams.  See you in the morning...or maybe later tonight."

However, interestingly enough, I have found that I am not necessarily attracted to Liev Schieber, just Ray Donovan.  But, let's back up.  So, while I was watching the series, I became increasingly mesmerized with Ray Donovan, and I would look forward to watching each episode on Sunday nights, forcing myself to stay awake, even though I would be exhausted.  Then, he started creeping into my subconscious and I started DREAMING about him.  And let me just tell you, that we were NOT having a business meeting, if you get my drift.  Unless by business meeting you mean I'm in sales and he's my no. 1 account. (  LOL.

So, at the time, I had Liev Schieber confused with Ray Donovan and I began googling him and paying too close attention to the details of photos of him and his family in the "Stars, They're Just Like Us" section of my US magazine, and I would think impure thoughts like, "Maaannnn, Naomi Watts gets to TAP THAT any time she wants," followed by "but he aint' MARRYIN' her though. Whore."
Desperate.  He's sooo not into her, see?  I kid.  She is amazing.

But, then I started watching OTHER movies he was in, and they kind of sucked sometimes and I was all disappointed that he wasn't being Ray Donovan, and then I decided that he probably trims his toenails in bed and I figured I can get THAT shit at home, and I became all disillusioned with the MAN and decided that I needed to separate the two and just focus on the CHARACTER, so as to not to disrupt my fantasy life.  Whew.

So, now let us analyze the fact that I am attracted to a total sociopath.

Is it that when he makes sexytime with his onscreen wife, Abby, (Paula Malcolmson) that he seems ultra hot and attentive and dangerous?  It doesn't HURT.  Actually, it looks like it might.  Daaaaaaammmmnnn, Ray Donovan.  You Craaaazzzyyy.

Look.  There he is in his bathroom. 

Is it the Boston accent (from "Southy") that I'm attracted to?  You betcha'! I've been into Boston accents since Good Will Hunting.  I especially like when they pronounce "yoga" with a soft "R' on the end.  As in, "No, I don't go to Mass anymore, I do yogar."  Classic.

Is it the stereotypical "bad boy" thing.  I mean, Ray Donovan literally goes around fucking people up for a living, whether they are morally wrong or not,  it is always whatever is in his clients' interests.  Don't get me wrong, though, he is a gangsta with a heart, and that is part of what makes him so appealing.  Still, how embarrassing.  I am officially a cliche.  I may as well be enamored with Julia Roberts' character in Pretty Woman - that "hooker with a heart of gold" phenom gets me every time.  Jesus.

Ewwww. I love it when he's on his PHONE.  It's intoxicating.

I also need to be careful here, because Brad is gonna read this and burst in from his hour and a half drive from Medina and slam me against the pantry door or something.  Well, I guess if I'm being honest that beats the dry hump I get every time he spies me unloading the dishwasher.

I digress.  I guess my point is that Ray Donovan is a deeply disturbed, aggressive, cheating, lying homicidal bully for hire...and I've got it bad for him.

IF I had to pinpoint EXACTLY why he intrigues me so much, it is how PASSIONATE he is about every category of this life - wrong or right.

I realize he is a character, and he is acting, and therefore, his actions must be over the top because he stars in a DRAMA.  I also am aware that Ray Donovan in real life would be a total buzzkill.

I've got ENOUGH drama in my life with braces and Fall production and learning how to do fishtail braids on YouTube.  The last thing I need is my husband storming in with cuts all over his face demanding that we all go down to the panic room.

Truly, dissecting my crush right now is demoralizing so I need to stop here.

It just goes to show that a fantasy is meant to be just that - the IDEA of something, rather than what it would be like to interject it into your real life.

Ray Donovan is appealing to me not only because he is completely inaccessible (I'm talking about Liev, here. Duh, I'm not THAT far gone.) but because he does not exist, he is a fabrication that I am able to project onto him anything I want to.

I often wonder if Leo DiCaprio ever experiences this, when he picks some random Victoria Secret model out of their most recent catalog.  Is he disheartened after a three day bang session with them, only to wake up one morning and discover that they don't speak a LICK of English?  I mean, he tends to be a serial, modelizing monogamist, so I am miffed.  Do they both learn sign language?  Does he hire an interpreter?  I could go on forever.  But, the real question, here, is that at what point does he realize that his fantasies about her do not correspond with their reality?

ANYWAY, my advice to you today is to get Showtime if you don't have it and watch Ray Donovan.  The entire season is On Demand.  Spoiler Alert:  Jon Voight steals EVERY scene he is in.  He, and this show will CLEAN UP at Grammy time.  If you don't believe me, check out my predictions on Homeland two years ago.  (

Oh, and don't analyze your fantasies.  Not if you want to RETAIN those fantasies, that is.  And don't blog about them either.  I let Brad read this last night and he's already sporting a five o'clock shadow and strutting around in expensive Italian suits, only after showering up at his new boxing gym, natch.
Oy vey.

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